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What Is Your Attachment Style?And How Might It Be Impacting Your Relationships?

Reflecting on our own attachment style can offer us insight into our own behaviour, how we feel within relationships and how we respond to others.


The more understanding we gain about our attachment style and its roots the more power we have to navigate our responses and change those that do not serve us. This growth can be greatly rewarding, improving the relationship we have with ourselves and others.


The three predominant attachment styles are; secure, anxious and avoidant. So lets take a closer look at what these attachment styles may look like.



Secure;

  • Positive view of themselves and others

  • Feels comfortable alone or having distance from others

  • Are able to bond with, open up to and trust others

  • Are comfortable depending on others along with having others depend on them

  • Have good self- esteem and believe themselves to be worthy

  • Feel that others are dependable and trustworthy

  • Find it easy to be emotionally close to others

  • Can communicate their needs with ease

  • Offer emotional support to others and feel comfortable asking for support when needed

  • Have a clear sense of how they are within relationships

Anxious;

  • Seeks approval and reassurance from others

  • Longs for intimacy but fears being let down

  • Fears rejection, abandonment and criticism

  • Finds disapproval from others very upsetting

  • Feels jealous or frustrated when partner is unavailable or inattentive

  • Worry’s about and overanalyses relationships

  • Displays clingy or needy behaviours

  • Low self- esteem or lacks a strong sense of self

  • Tendency to put other peoples needs first, before their own

  • Struggles to be alone or has a strong desire for a relationship and intimacy

Avoidant;

  • Feels it is easier to avoid dangers of intimacy through solitary activities

  • Finds it difficult to open up or express themselves

  • High self- esteem, does not seek reassurance

  • May emotionally withdraw or pull away if someone gets to close

  • Can display dismissive behaviours or seem aloof

  • Struggles to rely on or trust others

  • Strong sense that they do not require emotional intimacy in their lives

  • View themselves as independent and self- sufficient

  • Appear confident, strong and in control

  • Can find it hard to be intimate or vulnerable

Now you know what each style looks like, you are likely finding yourself identifying with one over the others. If you find yourself recognising anxious or avoidant styles some extra exploration may now be beneficial and allow for healthy growth towards feeling more secure. Also consider those around you, as their attachment style will also be playing a part within your relationship.


Steps to explore;

  • Increase your self- care in all areas

  • Reflect, what experiences or past relationships may have impacted or helped to create your attachment style.

  • Take some time to explore your needs in different relationships i.e. romantic, family and friendships

  • Assess your boundaries; what they are and if they are healthy, porous or rigid?

  • Recognise when certain traits arise. Sit with them. What has triggered the reaction and practice responding in a different way.

  • Explore what secure attachment looks like and start to practice implementing these behaviours. Look at those around you who appear secure, what can you learn from being with them?

  • Spend some time exploring your strengths or keep a self- confidence journal

  • Talk to friends, partners and family members

  • Access therapy to help you explore on a deeper level within a safe and supportive space.


Each of us deserves to feel secure within ourselves and our relationships and be able to express our needs and have our boundaries respected, whilst doing the same for others. This trust and dependability leads to healthy and lasting relationships. Remember no relationship is perfect but should be healthy for each party and allow for growth.

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